Dhillon Khosla

Dhillon Khosla, author of BOTH SIDES NOW: ONE MAN’S JOURNEY THROUGH WOMANHOOD (PENGUIN/TARCHER 2006) About the Author Dhillon Khosla was born in Brussels, Belgium to an East Indian father and a German mother. His paternal grandfather, Krish Khosla, was a well-respected spiritual scholar who authored two books on 13th century mystical poet Jalal-Al-Din Rumi. For the past twelve years, Khosla has served as a judicial staff attorney for both state and federal judges – first at the California Supreme Court and subsequently at the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals.  He lives in California and spends his weekends visiting churches and temples in order to, “keep the lamp within well-lit.”

On the way to rebuilding the temple that is now his body, he stumbled upon his soul...

While he was born into a female body, Dhillon Khosla never felt fully at home in his skin. But while he knew very early on that his true identity was male, he spent almost twenty years repressing this knowledge and trying to fiercely embrace the beautiful appearing-female form into which he developed. Trapped beneath the female disguise, he lived his life from the outside looking in.

In this spellbinding memoir, Khosla shares his extraordinary journey to reclaim his manhood – a journey that would ultimately lead through fifteen surgeries, one of which almost claimed his life and revealed the very depths of his commitment.  As Khosla continued to bravely fight his way home, his nights became filled with beautiful, allegorical – and sometimes prophetic – dreams, while his days brought insight upon insight into the many ways we as men and women leave our fingerprints upon each other’s soul. But most poignant of all, was his discovery of the true meaning of self-love: the willingness to turn away from the external forces that tell us who we ought to be, towards that one, inner voice that has known all along.

DHILLON KHOSLA PERSONAL STATEMENT

When I was in undergraduate school (CU; Boulder 1987-1991), I majored in Psychology and received a certificate (the equivalent of a minor) in Women’s Studies. Throughout my Women’s Studies’ classes, the instructors advocated the theory that any differences among men and women were purely based on socialization, not biology.  To support this point, reliance was placed on the research and writings of Dr. John Money – the surgeon who took a genetic boy following a circumcision accident and attempted to shape him into a girl, physically and socially. What none of us knew at the time was that Dr. Money’s experiment was a disaster: the child in the experiment had already switched back to his genetic male identity, after years of turmoil and depression.  Dr. Money did not report this to the public, but it eventually became known through the best-selling biography, AS NATURE MADE HIM: The Boy Who was Raised as a Girl, by John Colaptino (Harper Collins, 2000).

Almost a decade later, I confronted my own gender identity and tried to understand why I couldn’t shake the cognitive conviction that I was a man despite my female body – a conviction I held since childhood.  I kept thinking, “if gender is all socialization, then I shouldn’t have to change my body; I should be able to overcome this.”  A thousand, feminist-inspired voices rang through my mind, creating a wall of resistance.  But eventually one, inner voice found its way to the surface -- the one that simply said-- “but I want to go home.  Please take me home.”  And that is the voice I chose to follow. 

It took many grueling and in, some cases, life-threatening surgeries, but I am now finally the man I dreamed I’d become.  And what is most interesting to me, is how after each surgery, I experienced déjà vu–as if my mind already had the blueprint for that body.  As far as the male culture, the transition was virtually effortless, despite my twenty-plus years of “female” socialization. And now--after studying volumes of scientific research--I know that my gender identity was already set at birth, most likely shaped via the distribution of hormones during a critical time of fetal development.

I understand the fear in discussing biology when it comes to gender: so many have been damaged by the “all men are one way and all women the other” mantra when the truth is that the influence of pre-natal hormones plays out in a continuum of gender identity and behavior across our population.  However, the rejection of biological influences also causes harm, particularly to people such as David Reimer (Dr. Money’s patient) and myself. And so it is time to speak the truth--the whole truth.  To that end, I am offering to share my story.

Two months before I signed my book deal, I found out that David Reimer had committed suicide. I decided to dedicate my book to his memory and can only hope that every time I tell my own truth, I am vindicating his as well.  I thank you for your consideration.    

- Dhillon Khosla

DHILLON KHOSLA LECTURE TOPICS

*DHILLON’S PERSONAL JOURNEY (Inspirational)

While at the Federal Courts, Dhillon underwent over 15 surgeries over a five-year period.  Despite the many grueling complications – one of which almost claimed his life – the process of honoring his true self enhanced every area of his work performance and pulled him into a purpose-driven life.  For those who are afraid to address personal issues for fear it will somehow “interfere” with their professional/career goals, this lecture will provide courage and inspiration.

*SEXUAL HARASSMENT, GENDER, AND THE LAW

In a recent survey, 62% of college students reported some form of sexual harassment.  The survey re-ignited the debate over what constitutes “sexual harassment” and once again  highlighted the different perceptions held by men and women.  These differing views are reflected in our legal system as courts across the country continue to grapple with whether to measure harassment from the traditional “reasonable person” legal standard or whether to employ a “reasonable woman” standard.

Dhillon’s 12 years of professional experience as a judicial staff attorney for judges who shape the law gives him the ability to clearly explain the case law surrounding this issue, while his personal experience of having lived a life in each gender has made him intimately aware of just how difficult it is to negotiate boundaries in the workplace when the same comment and behavior is viewed differently depending on who is hearing it and who is saying it.

• HOW UNDERSTANDING THE BIOLOGY OF GENDER CAN SET US ALL FREE

Why are some people so adamant that gender is entirely a socialized construct while others are equally adamant that it is largely a question of biology?  Why has the nature/nurture debate persisted through the decades despite major political change? To understand this issue requires a fuller understanding of how our brain ‘sex’ is shaped in the womb. 

In reading through the forty years of research on this issue – and observing the correlation between individual behavior and politics – Dhillon discovered something fascinating: not only do the hormonal variations in the womb shape our identity in multiple dimensions from body image to aggression to gender-typed behavior – as reflected in the diverse range of masculinity/femininity on every school playground; these same hormonal variations also impact where we ultimately fall on the nature/nurture debate.

For example, a woman born with a more masculine/androgynous brain and tomboy identity, is more likely to join the feminists who say there are no biological differences between men and women because she herself doesn’t think or behave so radically different than the ordinary genetic man.  However, a woman born on the more extreme feminine end of the spectrum (that typical “girly-girl on the playground) will be more likely to embrace the notion that men and women are biologically different because she intuitively senses a dramatic gap between herself and the typical man.  Understanding that we each arrive with a basic blueprint in our brains can allow us to:

1-free ourselves from the notion that there is such as thing as one “perfect” or “superior” man or woman and instead search for our own true inner nature; and,

2-stop blaming ourselves if we cannot stretch our identities beyond a certain point  and instead find partners/spouses who accept us as we are.

• TRUE TOLERANCE vs POLITICAL CORRECTNESS

Currently tolerance is seen as accepting someone who is outside of mainstream culture and politics.  Thus, certain political groups are able to claim greater “tolerance” than others.  However, it is easy to be accepting of those who share our identity, political platforms, and personal tastes.  What is difficult is setting aside our own personal preferences and agenda long enough to see and accept another for who they truly are.  Dhillon’s journey through both sides of the gender divide has made him intimately aware of this.

For example, in his former female body, his sense of entitlement and aggressive sides were seen as “powerful” and “sexy” by many feminist/lesbians.  However, since he has transitioned into manhood, many within these groups now find these traits offensive or too “stereotypic,” while those within the traditional mainstream more readily embrace them.  Experiences such as these have highlighted for Dhillon the powerful role personal taste plays in our gender politics and the importance of working towards a society that is more focused on whether we are being true to our inner voice than whether we are rebelling against, or joining, the mainstream.

DHILLON KHOSLA REACTIONS TO “THE VIEW”

Listening to you speak, full of simplicity and balance, made me feel honoured to hear a piece of your life story. You radiate an aura of completeness and tranquility …
- Joshua

Rarely do I watch television so when I walked into my daughters room to turn it off and heard you speak during the last 2 minutes of your interview I just had to send you my heart felt wishes for a wonderful future.  I work with orphaned children and cancer units in the Middle East and I found in your strength and openness a light I can't explain.  Thank you for doing the show and thank heaven I happened to see you.  Be well and know you have inspired me to go deeper into my own soul …
- Kathy

I just saw you on “The View” and feel compelled to contact you. I can't tell you how impressed I am by your story-I am truly touched. Your courage to be your authentic self is inspiring.  Your honest communication and wonderful presence has, I'm sure, helped to educate and enlighten many.  Thank you for sharing your personal experience.
- Sincerely, Laurie MA, NCC

Having just watched “The View”, I felt that I just had to contact you. I was so moved by your story and by your candid demeanor.  To me, it was evident that you are a man in the most intrinsic sense.  It was wonderful to hear from a person who calmly and with such dignity conveyed the very basic outlines of such a complex issue in a personal context. You were credible not because of the fact that you are a "professional", rather because of the serenity you exhibited while volunteering to tell your story.
- Susan

DHILLON KHOSLA BOOK REVIEWS

"For its wealth of detail, as well as its compelling and inspiring narrative, this work belongs on the shelves of both public and academic libraries."
- Library Journal

"Keen observation, warmth, and humor make Khosla's journey most readable."
- Booklist

“With a wide reach for the implications of not only gender transitioning but gendered perceptions, and sensitivity to his own and others’ experiences, Khosla, who is also a singer-songwriter, writes intimately and engagingly.”
- Women’s Book Store (Toronto, Ontario, Canada)

"Both Sides Now was one of our best-selling titles this month. I myself could not put it down -- it is beautifully written, truthful – the words come from the right place."
- Kathleen Caldwell – Owner, A Great Good Place for Books

“Keen observation, warmth, and humor make Khosla's journey most readable.” 
- Booklist

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